Chapter1 1/2. I'veNeverBeenGoodAtGoodbye

just had another fight with my mom, and she left the house again. She probably won't be back here tonight....let alone speak to me for another 3 days.


I think we need help. The stupidest fights evolve into personal battles, and they shouldn't. And when i mean personal battles, they tend to get real personal. Well, this time around, i asked to to simply consider taking me to montage for the warped tour and she started flipping out on me telling me to ask brady to take me because he probably wouldn't mind. I'm sorry im not about to oppose myself on a friend to take me to a concert that hes already taking other people too... i don't think thats right, besides he lugs my bum ass round all over creation and i feel horrible about it. I had to call him on saturday to take me to the battle of the bands becuz my mom and my gram were out of town...he said he didn't mind, but i think he did. im sorry.

anyway. when i told her i thought it was unfair of me to ask brady to take me, because he does alot for me, and i asked her if she would consider taking me and she abruptly said no. and went on and on and on about she does so much for me and shes "done with this shit" and preeceeded to tell me how ungrateful i am and everything like that. and it allw ent downhill from there. I immediately got defesnive ebcuase when you start telling me how ungrateful i am....i shut down. because i try so hard not to be all the things she always tells me i am. I wasn't mad she said no, but i thought it was a little ridiculous that she wouldn't even consider it...or even pretend to consider it. being why i told her i don't think it would be fair for brady to take me... because he takes me everywhere.

why do i want to go so badly?

because, as i found when i went lastyear....those people are like me. i stick out, i admit i do, and i hate being so different, but i know i am. im not like like the rest of the girls i know. im not pretty, im not popular, and im not particularly tendy. i don't listen to their music, i don't dress the way most of them do, and i know i stick out. as much as i pretend that i want to be different, secretly, its more like... i know i wont be like them because i can't. i don't fit that image so, rather than fighting it...i act like the image doesn't fit me. in truth, i am jealous of every single girl that i know. and im not exaggerating.

i want to be someone else because i hate who i am and what i've become.

there... there are more people that are like me, or atleast so i felt. im not an outgoing person, as much as id like to lead people to believe. its murder for me to strike up a conversation with somone i don't know because i am too insecure. ui felt like i could talk to anyone and random people just were like...hey, whats up? we have shit in common. i wasn't the odd one out. i know everyone probably feels the same way every once and a while. i feel like this all the time.

i am too selfish. i am too insecure. i am too much.

your probably thinking... why not go to the ground floor. i like it there. but like i said. i can't meet people. i can't do it. im afriad they won't see me for who i am...like beyond how i look.

well as you know beauty is everything. I lack everything.
i don't even know who i am. so i cna't even garentee that would even help.

and don't tell me no one cares how you look. because, thats a lie. i can remember too many times when ive been with some accuqaintences and all they can say is "oh you know _______? she is sooo ugly" and then make fun of their nose tha6t might be slightly larger than normal so teeth that are slightly crooked. ive been around too many people who do this to even fathom its not been done to be before. ive been the object of too many jokes before to pretend this shit doesn't exist.


I know not everyone is like this.

i am not like this.






flash back:

just had another fight with my mom, and she left the house again. She probably won't be back here tonight....let alone speak to me for another 3 days.


i think we need help.



no.


i think i need help.